shh, i can't hear the voices inside my head

something you hope to change about yourself, and why

there is a few things i’d like to change about myself… but let’s just go with the main one that i am working on and have been for a year and a half now.

my weight.

i have another 20lbs to lose until i will be considered in a healthy bmi. now, whether i am actually going to ever go to that number is beyond me. i may stop before then, or i may go even lower… i don’t know right now.

i’ve always been heavy. even as a kid, at 7 years old, i weighed the same as my 9 year old sister. when i hit, uh.. maybe 12? i weighed the same i did when i was 10lbs heavier than now.

i’d really like to change that i could get off this darned plateau and lose some of this last bit of weight.

too bad my body has other plans.

what if you found out you were pregnant today, what would you do?

“you’d have to stop drinking coffee, for starters” says jason as he passes by and sees todays topic.

fml.
kidding!

if i were to find out i’m pregnant, it wouldn’t be a negative thing. granted, we would rather wait for a couple more years. but we wouldn’t be too overly freaked out either. we would manage.

i think the worst is that i would have to leave my current job. i couldn’t ask my employers to give me 6 months off while i have my baby and return to work…especially if i would ideally be bringing my baby to work too. and three kids is so definitely my limit, thanks! and i don’t want to quit before the end of our agreement (it’s going to be hard enough leaving when it gets to the point that the kids won’t be needing a nanny anymore, never mind having to leave early!)

and jason would have to take some classes so he would be a better parent. he would be awful without the classes.
joking. again.

he got offended when i told him he lacks experience with kids. apparently that was code for saying ‘you’d suck as a parent’ or something! i mean, playing peek-a-boo is good and all.. except for with a three year old. let alone a very smart three year old! (i will never let him live that one down…) but that’s okay, he can gain some experience when we go to europe with the older two in may! either that or come back home with the decision to never have kids…

someone remind me to pack some dimes to bribe the kids into behaving.

what’s the best thing going for you right now?

after much debating, humming and hawing, distracted thinking and many delete-key punches…

i have decided that the best thing going for me right now, is time. i am young enough and have hopefully many many years ahead of me to do the things i want to do before my time is up.

there is enough time for me to go back to school, start a family and do anything else i want to do, even before my pre-planned mid-life crisis at 39 years, 364 days old. that’s less than 15 years away, i better speed up my planning!

have you ever thought about giving up on life? if so, why?

even when my depression was at its worse, the thought never crossed my mind.

so no, i’ve never thought about giving up.

the reason you believe you are still alive today

i’m not sure what this question is actually asking. but, i am going to assume that it’s not asking what i believe the reason i live is for, what i was born to do. that would require far too much thinking.

so instead, it’s going to be a question of “how have i cheated death”.

and with that, a certain event comes to mind.

it was the labour day weekend of 1994 and we were coming back from a road trip from somewhere that i don’t remember… kelowna, i think. my mom and dad were in the cab of the pick-up while my sister and i sat in the camper on the back. our dog, tundra, was somewhere in with us too, either the camper or cab.

i was years old, my sister was about to turn 11 in just a few days. we had been sitting at the dining table in the camper colouring when i had decided to go lay on the bed to sleep. as i got up, there was a popping sound and looking out the window, you could see a chunk of black on the road behind us. the truck and camper tipped, and the next thing i saw was the fridge door as i crashed into it and was knocked out.

the tire blew. the truck skid and flipped. while it flipped and went down the embankment on the side of the highway the camper broke free from the truck and crumbled.

to this day, i still have no idea how much time passed. probably just a few moments. when i woke i heard screaming and recognized my sisters screams. i could tell she was hurt and scared. and i remember calling out to her and asking if she was okay. asking if she could see anything. asking her to stay calm. i couldn’t see anything and couldn’t move. i felt pinned.

i could hear other voices. i could hear someone talking to my sister. i could hear my mom crying, asking if we were okay.

i don’t remember how many people it took to lift the thing off me, or what exactly had landed on me in the wreckage, but it looked like a canopy that goes on a pick-up truck. it had landed in a lucky way that surrounded me, rather than landing on me.

i had a few scratches and bruises. my mom had thorn-bush scrapes all over her from the bushes where the truck ended up. my dad had singed moustache and eyebrows from the fire in the pick-up truck. my sister had broken bones and lost a major chunk of her heel. we all made it out, alive. even our newfoundlander lived, though she took off running after the crash and

from what i remember hearing was that a firefighter was climbing a mountain, saw the fire and called 9-1-1.

while sitting on the side of the highway, with a firefighter trying to distract me, i had seen the mattress that lay with it’s springs sticking out, gashes cut on the surface. the mattress i had been on my way to go lay down on as the tire blew. the mattress that i would have likely died on had the tire lasted just another moment.

even at eight, i realized how close i had come to dying.

and that’s really stuck to me since that day. i’ve had reoccurring nightmares about that day, rarely making it a full month without some of that dreadful day haunting my sleep. driving still scares me a bit. when someone has to brake fast, swerve or something else, i get nervous. occasionally i get a flashback to that day.

so why am i still alive?

great timing and some damned good luck.

create a playlist and explain why you chose the songs you did

ugh, i can’t believe i am (not) doing this.

consider it 29 days of truth and 1 act of laziness.

this post is forfeited!

something you wish you had done in your life

this is an easy one.

i wish i had gone back to school. while i realize that i still have years to go to school, i keep putting it off. i shouldn’t have taken a break from high school and should have gone right to college/university instead of working.

but i had enough of school and needed sometime without books and assignments and papers due.

now it’s “well, i could go back after working with this family…” which then turns into “after the next family…”

mostly, it’s due to the costs. but it’s also partly because i am not sure if i want to actually work in a daycare or stay working as a nanny. i love the freedom nannying gives me. if the kids are restless after lunch, we go for a walk. whereas in a day care setting, i couldn’t be as spontaneous. while ece would have it’s benefits for working as a nanny, it’s not really that big of a deal.

one day. maybe.

something you wish you hadn’t done in your life

i have many high school / teen year regrets. too many, really.

i wish i hadn’t done the stupid things i did back then. skipping classes, sneaking out at night, clubbing as a minor, random piercings, underage drinking, dating all the too many of the wrong guys,  and the typical teen angst towards my parents.

i don’t wish i could relive and change the past, because they have helped shape my life into exactly what it is now. but i do regret that that was what it took.

but those are things of the past. it’s actually quite funny how much has changed.

nowadays, i am down to two piercings (ears) that regularly close on me. i rarely take a sick day from work, even when i should. i’m in bed by 9:30pm most nights. i’ve been dating a wonderful guy for the past 5 1/2 years. i don’t remember the last time i stepped in a club, let alone bar. and i rarely ever drink, the taste is gross.

as for the relationship with my mom, we are the closest we have been in years. even if she is a ten-freaking-hour-drive from me.

what are your views on drugs and alcohol?

to be honest, i don’t really care if people use either. unless it interferes with someone else’s life or unless they are using in an extreme.

if you want to drink until you pass out at home, go for it.
but if you have a dependant child (i’m talking under 18) then don’t be an idiot.

if you want to drink 10 beers and then walking two blocks to your house, drink until your hearts content.
but if you are drinking 10 beers and getting behind the wheel to drive (even if it’s only two blocks) it’s a different story.

if you want to smoke your medicinal (or non-medicinal) pot, do it.
but, for the love of jeebus, do so in private. not only am i allergic to it, but i really hate standing at the park with three kids under 5 years old and having to tell them we are leaving because i don’t feel like us all standing downwind of your bad habit.

i am not even what you would consider a social drinker. i have, at tops, maybe 6 drinks a year. and most of the time, they are not even finished.
they are all the fruity drinks, like pina coladas and bellinnis. Not vodka on the rocks nor a bottle of gin.

your best friend is in a car accident and the two of you got into a fight a couple hours before. what do you do?

fights happen. to the best of us.

i would be there with them in a heartbeat. regardless of what happened hours before.
differences can be put aside and problems dealt with after, their health is more important.

what are your views on politics or religion

absolutely nothing. i don’t believe in either.

i haven’t been religious since i was 10.
and even then, it was more so just that i believed there was a greater being but never that it was a higher power that created the world.
oh man, did i ever get an earful when i told my teachers that i believed in evolution when i went to a catholic school!

that’s right. i went to catholic school. for many years in alberta. there aren’t many other options. i even went to an all girls school for 6 months… until i politely got asked to leave. (it was another catholic school, otherwise it wouldn’t have been so politely)
i have also been baptized as catholic. but that was just so i could attend those schools.
to me, i feel wrong entering a church without even the slightest faith. the last time i entered a church was to set up for a friends wedding reception being held in the hall under the main area. it was an awkward feeling.
the time before that… i believe was to see a friends sister sing, years and years ago. and i sat there reading the bible and noticing all it’s flaws. if there was ever a reason for me to be smitten, i think that takes the cake.

but hey, nothing yet.

and i have never cared for politics.
i am not even a registered voter… *takes cover from flying objects*
hell, i can’t even tell you what the difference is between right and left wing. to me, it just reminds me of hockey.

now, if you could all just form an orderly line to place your complaints, that would be super.

and for the love of god, leave your fascism out of this.
(i have no idea if that statement even makes sense. it was my sad attempt at a joke combining the both of them)

your views on gay marriage

need i say more?

a book you’ve read that changed your opinion on something

most books i read are fiction. they consist of your typical homicide-fighting-hero. i am addicted to suspense and murder-mysteries. and i tend to only read a few authors.

that being said, rarely do i read non-fiction. except for recipes, news articles and travel books.

the book i am choosing for this is : oh the places you will go, by dr seuss. i mean, how can i go wrong? it takes a wonderful story about life, puts a bit of sad reality in it and then mixes in a healthy dose of “get over it, move on, and learn from your mistakes”… all with a fun and upbeat tempo.

congratulations! today is your day. you’re off to great places! you’re off and away!

you have brains in your head. you have feet in your shoes. you can steer yourself any direction you chose. you’re on your own. and you know what you know. and YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

you’ll look up and down streets. look’em over with care. and some you will say, “i don’t choose to go there.” with your head full of brains, and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

and you may not find any you’ll want to go down. in that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. it’s opener there in the wide open air.

out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

and when things start to happen, don’t worry. don’t stew. just go right along. you’ll start happening too.

oh, the places you’ll go!

you’ll be on your way up. you’ll be seeing great sights! you’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

you won’t lag behind because you’ll have the speed. you’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

except when you don’t. because, sometimes, you won’t.

i’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you.

you can get all hung up in a prickley perch. and your gang will fly on. you’ll be left in a lurch.

you’ll come down from the lurch with an unpleasant bump. and the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a slump.

and when you’re in a slump, you’re not in for much fun. un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

you will come to a place where the streets are not marked. some windows are lighted. but mostly they’re darked. a place you could sprain both your elbow and your chin! do you dare to stay out? do you dare to go in? how much can you lose? how much can you win?

and if you go in, should you turn left or right… or right-and-three-quarters? or, maybe, not quite? or go around back and sneak in from behind? simple it’s not, i’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

you can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-nacking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish, wild space, headed, i fear toward a most useless place.

the waiting place… for people just waiting.

waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring. or the snow to snow or waiting around for a yes or no or waiting for their hair to grow. everyone is just waiting.

no! that’s not for you! somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. you’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. with banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! ready for anything under the sky. ready because you’re that kind of guy!

oh, the places you’ll go!there is fun to be done. there are points to be scored. there are games to be won. and the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all! fame! you’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

except when they don’t. because, sometimes, they won’t.

i’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against you.

all along! whether you like it or not, alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

and when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. there are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

but on you will go though the weather be foul. on you will go though your enemies prowl. on you will go through the hakken-kraks bowl. onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and sneakers may leak. on and on you will hike. and i know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems, whatever they are.

you’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. you’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. so be sure when you sleep. you’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. so be sure when you step. step with great care and great tact. and remember that life’s a great balancing act! just never forget to be dexterous and deft. and never mix up your right foot with left.

and will you succeed? yes, you will, indeed! 98 and three quarters guarenteed!

kid, you’ll move mountains! so… be your name buxbaum or bray or mordecai, ale van allen o’shea, you’re off to great places!

today is your day, you’re mountain is waiting.

SOMETHING OR SOMEONE YOU DEFINITELY COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT

nearly six years ago, i met someone. we hit it off so well that the next day we saw each other again. and the next day. and the next. we became instantly close friends. i was letting him see more of me (in a figurative sense, you pervs) than i had let most people. even those that i had known for years before him.

here we are… five years, nine months and thirteen days later. (thank you google for finding a date calculator, haha) out of those 2112 days, there has only been maybe 4 or 5 days that we haven’t seen each other. that’s not just while dating, that is from the very first day we met. we hit it off that well.

we are so much in sync that i can finish most of his sentences. and there are times where we know what each other are thinking, no matter how off topic or random from our current discussion.

he’s been my best friend, my go-to guy, my partner in crime, my shoulder to lean on and my life for the past six years.

he’s my everything. <3

SOMETHING OR SOMEONE YOU COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT, THAT YOU’VE TRIED

technology.
sad, right?

i am lost without my phone (seriously, it has gps that has saved my butt so many times! i can’t even tell which direction is west while standing on sunset beach!) i love my computer, both of them. and don’t you DARE even think about taking my camera. you wouldn’t make it far. and then i’d photograph your murder.

it’s amazing how much we use technology nowadays. we no longer talk the walk over to visit our neighbour to ask about something. now we fire off an e-mail. instead of writing a letter to mail to our family across the world, we facebook or skype them. rather than walking to the store to buy a new sweater, we order it on the internet and wait for it to be shipped.

i’m not complaining though. i mean, it takes me months to send off a birthday card… if it even gets sent. i could post on their wall faster than i can find a stamp in my junk drawer. my mom and i can keep up with things that are happening with each other now, instead of what we were doing a week before when we wrote the letter. and hey, who doesn’t like the idea of shopping in their PJ’s at 4 in the morning on a sunday?

we now live in a world where there is a 1:140 ratio of tweets to people, where people spend, collectively, over 700 billion hours a month on facebook, and where even 80 year old women have cell phones. even our gaming consoles have social networking aspects where you can message and challenge and play with your friends… even if they happen to be on the other side of the world.

let’s face it, it’s a whole new world nowadays compared to when i was a kid. i remember my grandparents had a camcorder, and that was a big deal. now you can get a cellphone that’s camera is nearly as good  as a higher-model advanced point and shoot camera.

A HERO THAT HAS LET YOU DOWN (as a letter)

i don’t think i’ve ever idolized someone enough to actually classify them as a hero in my eyes.

yet another post that is a bust.

MUSIC THAT HAS GOTTEN YOU THROUGH SOME TOUGH DAYS (as a letter!)

dear chris carrabba,

first, let’s get this out in the open. i really really really really hate long hair on you. it makes you seem like a total grease-ball-car-sales-person. i’m sorry. it had to be said. because of your long locks, i have taken you out your position of allowed-to-swoon-over-you-and-admit-it-to-my-boyfriend position to i-will-listen-to-your-music-so-long-as-i-don’t-have-to-see-you. it’s really a disappointment.

anyways, on to the real reason i am forced to write this letter.

i came across your band when you were little-known. i was a huge fan before you even got onto the closing credits of spiderman. in fact, i was surprised to hear you that i started jumping up and down and screaming like a school girl while onlookers just assumed i was happy the movie was over. and maybe i was, because it wasn’t that great of a movie. but no, i was excited to hear you guys getting some playtime. that meant that maybe, just maybe, you guys would go on tour and come to town.

i have bought all your cd’s and lp’s, which says a lot since i download a lot of my music don’t buy many cd’s. i even went as far as ordering an lp from europe because it was only released there at the time (a couple years later it came out in canada… but the $12 extra cost was worth it!) i used to fill up my burned cd’s with all my favourite songs from you and leave them on repeat until everyone around me got sick of listening to it.

a couple years ago, i’m sad to say i’ve forgotten the exact date, my boyfriend bought me tickets to go to your concert! it was freaking awesome.

times have changed. i no longer fill my cd’s with only you. instead, i have branched out and filled up my iPhone with over 3000 songs. but don’t worry, i have all your songs and you even have a playlist with my top-25 songs. and i still have my days where i put it on repeat for hours on end.

you have an amazing voice. that was what caught my attention. but what has held it is your eyes the lyrics. even the words to the songs that i can’t relate to. it’s odd, i know.

i’ve always felt like music was the soundtrack of our lives. and well, apparently my soundtrack consists mainly of one band.

so, chris, before ending this letter, i have two requests. well, one is a demand.

please come on tour again to vancouver.

and cut your damned hair!! ugh!

secretly-swooning,
tasha.

SOMETHING YOU NEVER GET COMPLIMENTS ON

this is a tough one.

i get a healthy dose of compliments on things i deserve compliments on. even on some things i don’t feel i do.

looks like this post is a bust.

SOMETHING PEOPLE SEEM TO COMPLIMENT YOU ON THE MOST

my weight loss.

i’ve lost 70lbs in just over a year and lots of people, who i don’t even know, have complimented me on it. i even had my barista comment after i lost just 20lbs. and the older ladies around the neighbourhood i work in have said something about it.

heck, last week i was congratulated twice on losing the baby weight so soon after pregnancy!
thanks, but uh, he’s not mine! (and neither are the other two, who, as everyone tells me, have my eyes….)

SOMEONE YOU NEED TO LET GO OR WISH YOU DIDN’T KNOW

my mistress.
she’s semi-sweet, bold and also a tad bitter at times.
and she steals all my money.

if you haven’t figured out i am talking about coffee by now, you need to click the X and leave my blog. now.

i am proud to announce that i have already ‘let go’ of all the people in my life who i needed to. and unfortunately, some that i didn’t need to as well, but that isn’t the topic at hand.

the people in my life are ones that i want to keep, ones that are all bringing something positive and, i hope, getting something positive in return.

SOMEONE YOU DIDN’T WANT TO LET GO OF, BUT JUST DRIFTED APART

years ago, when i was about 18 years old, i started dating this guy. he was 24, going to school for law and mature. little did i know he was 30 and going to school for law (coincidentally with a friend of mine) but never getting to class because he was immature.

but this isn’t really about him… it’s about his brother.

JH and i were the best of friends since i found out that his brother lied and he got caught in the middle, playing messenger. what a way to make friends, eh? “my brother says he is sorry he lied to you. he says he didn’t mean to. how you ‘accidentally’ lie to someone is beyond me….” and then we kind of clicked and started bad-mouthing mr-30 year old. no, i lie. [sorry, it was an accident?] we just got talking about life and ourselves. it was like running into a close friend from high school and instantly getting back into the comfortable grooves made from years of friendship. except, i had known him for a day.

about 5 1/2 years ago we started dating. other people. he met this girl, M. i met Jason (while i happened to be dating someone else, but we won’t get into that today…) then a few years ago, M and JH move down to the USA. we vow to stay in touch, have daily phone calls. he’d visit often, at least once a month.

and we stay true to our word.

but, of course, life started getting in the way. he moved further south and the visits stopped. i started a new job and was usually waking up when he was headed to bed, and visa versa. then he had to cover for his brothers lack of parenting skills and become guardian of his niece [it was a nice surprise to find out mr-30 had an 11 year old.. who i was only 7 years older than!], which gave us even more reason to fall out of touch.

we still talk. i was the first person he told about his proposal to M. and the first person he told after M told him she was pregnant. and i was the first person he texted when the baby was born [at 3 o'freaking clock, may i add!]

even though he and i still have that groove we fall in, it still saddens me to know that we’ve drifted.

[ps : JH, get your tush up here with the baby!]

SOMEONE WHO HAS MADE YOUR LIFE HELL

years ago [six, to be exact] i met a guy, mr.c for simplicities sake, through a friend of a friend… making him a friend of a friend of a friend. we got along, as friends. i was dating another man at the time. i hit a rough patch with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome-induced-depression and felt like i couldn’t talk to immediate friends or family or even my then-boyfriend. i needed an outsider to talk to… and mr.c ended up being a great listener.

we became friends. he would call me while i was on my way to work. he would call me when i was on break. he would call me when i was off work. and he would call me to say goodnight. i remember going through this with a few high school friends, where we would spend every moment possible together so i didn’t clue in to what was really happening.

one night, a few friends invited us out to abbotsford, if i remember correctly, to a party. because she was driving a few people already and wouldn’t have room for two more, i went with mr.c (for some reason or another, then-boyfriend couldn’t come… but then again, we only saw each other once or twice a week, tops, even nearly 10 months into the relationship)

at the party, he got very touchy-feely. he wouldn’t stop trying to cuddle, no matter how many times i moved away or my friends dragged me away, or i asked him for some space. i even outright told him that i didn’t feel comfortable with how he was acting. i didn’t have feelings for him, i was dating someone else and i just started getting a really bad vibe from him at that point.

unfortunately, he was my ride home. i know i could have turned to my friends and asked for a ride back home instead of getting into the car with him, but i just didn’t want to cause drama. however, little did i know that it was actually going to cause more drama letting him drive me home.

when he dropped me off, he asked to talk. he broke down and confessed he really liked me and had feelings for me. maybe even loved me. [uh, hi. i met you three weeks ago....] it was a bit too much. even with tears running down his cheeks, i told him the ugly truth. i had no feelings, never would. and i was kind of irritated by how he was acting earlier in the evening and asked him not to call me, but to let me cool down a bit and give me time. then maybe, just maybe, we could continue our friendship.

which apparently translates to : hi, please become a freaky stalker guy.

he started emailing and calling me, threatening my then-boyfriends life. then my mom and then-step-dads life. then my life. but he was smart about it. he worded it in such a way that i couldn’t take it to the police, no matter how many times i tried.

on my then-boyfriends birthday, while he was over for dinner with my parents, mr.c texted me on my seven-hour-old new phone number [how did he even get the number?!] and told me to meet him outside and that he had a present for me. i slipped out discretely to tell him to leave me alone or that i would go to the police for harassment. more threats. this time he even showed me “the knife he would use”. and he left, speeding away, while i stood shaking and nearly vomiting from nerves.

then, nothing. for a week there wasn’t a single email or phone call. it was all too quite.

until one day he started banging on my front door. i was home alone and absolutely freaked out. the police told me i couldn’t get them involved unless he tried to come in. not knowing what else to do, i called a friend who’s mom came by, sneaked up the driveway in the back and i went out the backdoor, leaving him banging on the front door for who knows how long.

that evening i took out a restraining order. apparently, the fourth one he had against him.

and amazingly, all it took for him to back off was a piece of paper.

but that depression had sunken in deeper because of that stress. my friendships suffered dramatically. i withdrew from the outside world. i had ear aches after ear aches from stress, causing me to use all my sick days, and then some, leaving me to get fired from my job. my relationship with then-boyfriend began to crumble.

it took almost a year of prescriptions, and even surgery to reduce the cysts and lessen the side effects of pcos, but i overcame the depression and the stress. and i overcame the hold he seemed to have on my life.

almost a year later, i got the satisfaction of having him escorted out of the mall i was working at when he showed up one day.

SOMEONE WHO HAS MADE YOUR LIFE WORTH LIVING

do i even need to say it? <3

SOMETHING YOU HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE TO DO

i’ll skip the typical one of never having to say goodbye to someone i love. because let’s be honest, everyone has that hope.

years ago, when i was a day camp leader for the gymnastics place i used to work at, i had a child run up to me at splashdown park. her partner had fallen. as soon as the 9 year old uttered the words “can’t breath” i started to go through my cpr training. and then i started hoping that a lifeguard would get there first. once we arrived to where the girl had fallen i felt the weight of her life the world lift from my shoulders. it turned out she had only knocked the wind out of herself when she slipped.

it was then that i realized that even though i am prepared to save a life… i’d never want to have to.

it’s one of those things that i feel if it didn’t work would leave me blaming myself. “if i breathed in shorter breaths, they may have lived. if i breathed in longer breaths, they may have lived. if i tilted their head back another 0.00001mm, they may have lived.” [yes, 0.00001 millimeter] i would feel like there was something i did wrong, even if i didn’t, that caused that person to lose their life. to cause someone to lose their mother, their father, their child or their sister/brother.

working with children is stressful [yet oh so rewarding!] one day at the park in the summer of 2009, while eating a sandwich, the little boy i nanny who was then 2 1/2 years old, started coughing on his sandwich. i got up right away and moved right beside him ["wow, lightning reflexes!" one of the moms beside me said afterwards] he coughed a couple more times and i noticed his eyes starting to water. he’s one of those kids that turn a bright, splotchy color of red when he cries and when his face started turning a tiny tinge of pink, i picked up him up, tipped him over and started hitting his back. his sandwich came out, party chewed. maybe i reacted too soon and he would have been fine, but i didn’t want to take that chance. he was off playing in the water park ten minutes later, oblivious to what could have happened. i was still feeling clammy and like my heart was going to explode an hour later.

i never want to have someones life resting in my hands.

but, if i’m needed to step up to bat, i will.

SOMETHING YOU HOPE TO DO IN YOUR LIFE

marry, have (preferably only) one kid and grow old with the man i love.

easy. typical. and predictable.

something else i hope for? to one day open my own day care. to go back to college and get my ECE.

to have a closer relationship with those family members that i rarely see. to reconnect with friends that i’ve drifted from.

oh, and to win fifty two million dollars [see, i'm not being greedy. i can make sacrifices and just take $2M....]

SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE SOMEONE ELSE FOR

i’m totally taking the sissy’s way out of this post. i just don’t have the emotional effort involved in writing about my father at this moment.

so instead….

i have to forgive the starbucks barista down the road who constantly fails at making drinks. when i walk in and see her working bar, i cry a little bit inside. jason and i will usually look at each other and roll our eyes after finding her there, ready to make our drinks. and then watch her every move as if we suspect her to be planning a terrorist attack on our coffee.

and if she is working the til, then we make sure to order veeeeeeeeeeery slowly so she catches all the little things we want with our ‘diva drinks’ i admit, we do have complex drinks. compared to someone who orders right off the chart and makes no change. it’s not like we are ordering a grande, extra hot, soy with extra foam, split shot with half squirt of sugar-free vanilla and a half squirt of sugar-free cinnamon, a half packet of splenda in a venti cup with the top filled with extra whip cream with caramel sauce. [yo, that sounds quite disgusting actually....] we are ordering two fairly simple drinks. and even with pen and cup in hand, she doesn’t seem to get it right.

i’ve found her one day at my starbucks close to work and turned around and walked out.

but she, like me, is human. and as my last post was about forgiving myself for being human… i have to forgive her for being human as well.

but seriously? you don’t mess with my coffee.

i will eff you up.

SOMETHING YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR

human {homo sapiens} : from the latin word “wise man” or “knowing man”

i need to forgive myself for not being a superhero.

sounds silly, right? i’m not faster than a speeding bullet. i am not more powerful than a locomotive. and i definitely can’t leap buildings in a single bound.

sometimes i put too much pressure on myself, push myself too hard or end up disappointed in myself for not being able to complete something, do something skillfully enough or for making a simple mistake.

i need to forgive myself for not being able to see into the future and go “oh, this is the path you should chose. going that way will just end up ____” because i sure as hell had to learn the hard way, quite a few times.

i need to forgive myself for making the mistakes i did. and boy, there are lots of those. [sometimes i look back to my teenage years and think to myself "no way, i didn't do that! did i?! oh, crap!"]

forgive and forget, right? [now, does that mean that i can forget about those years that i was young(er) and stupid? because i'd love to put those days behind me!]

SOMETHING YOU LOVE ABOUT YOURSELF

i am an amazing multi-tasker.

after working with children for over a decade, i have learned the art of doing-fifty-things-at-once, sometimes with only one hand! i’m just that awesome!

there are days at lunch time when i manage to make all three lunches (and even my own, occasionally) without a single interruption. then there are days that i am trying to diffuse an argument between two kids, while a third is trying to climb my leg as i am zooming around the kitchen trying to make three lunches and planning the afternoons activities and thinking of whether or not the dryer is running or if i need to change the laundry over. and then the phone rings. or one of the kids start crying. or a diaper/clothes need changing. and somehow, i manage to get it all done without contemplating how long until work is over breaking a sweat.

it was likely thanks to the adhd that i suffered from in school. i had to learn a way to deal with it. i had a teacher in high school that took me aside one day and told me about their sons problems with adhd and how multi-tasking would help keep them focused (odd, isn’t it?) i used their methods and it seemed to help tremendously. so much so that i wasn’t getting told to take a walk halfway through class for being too disruptive.

now, if only i learned how to get things done while sleeping!

SOMETHING YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF

this was the topic that kept me from doing 30 days of truth for the past few weeks that i’ve seen it floating around.

it wasn’t that there isn’t something to pick [because oh, there are plenty of things i could nit-pick about], but it was a matter of which thing to write about and how emo i wanted to come off as…
i decided to pick something non-physical and non-touchy for the opener. maybe i’ll get more brave throughout the 30 days to talk about more personal things. but for now, this is what your getting.

i hate that i have all these ideas but never get around to acting on them. i procrastinate too often.

classes, for example. i want to take a photography course and learn the technical things i can do with my digital camera and learn about lighting and different ideas for taking pictures. but i never seem to enroll. maybe next set, when i have more time. or maybe in the winter when the weather isn’t very good for outdoor things. maybe in the summer so i don’t have to go to classes in the dark after work.

hobbies. i would love to learn to knit or crochet. but i can never figure it out from photos and instructions online, so i give up. maybe tomorrow i’ll pick up a book on how-to-knit or look for a class to take. or maybe on the weekend.

weight-loss. i keep setting a date that i will get back on track with my dieting. i will stop drinking specialty starbucks drinks and go back to my cafe mistos. i will cut back on the sweets and junk. but tomorrow. no, no, next week. oh, uh, after thanksgiving. mmm, maybe i should wait until after christmas. and new years.

household projects. i’ve been meaning to paint the laundry room since last october, when we painted the rest of the house. [i think that was october, anyways] only today did i get around to starting it. except i don’t have the stuff needed, so i’ll have to make a trip to home depot. but it’s raining, so i’ll go another day. maybe tomorrow.

i really need to make a plan and stick to it.

one day. maybe tomorrow.